For many with mental health diagnoses, a bad thought does not have one lifetime; it reappears again and again. That was the main message I wanted to capture in this painting: how so many different thoughts can reappear simultaneously over and over again. It is like a swarm of bees inside of your brain that you can never get rid of. 

This 31 by 29-inch piece was made in 2021 when I was struggling a lot with my mental health. I wanted to make something that represented what it felt like in my mind. I started by taking a large piece of wood and gesso-ing it (priming the wood surface for paint). Afterward, I covered my hands in red paint and marked the canvas with my handprints to form a circle. I played with the background: watering down blue paint and tilting the wooden board upright so it would drip down to create a melting effect. Then I started constructing the face. I had never painted a face with so much emotion before, so I put pressure on myself to capture every detail the face showed. I didn’t have a plan for the rest of the painting; all I knew was that I wanted it to be chaotic and intense.

Even now, months after completing this painting, I still find hidden drawings, messages, and symbols that I forgot I even drew. Throughout the process of making this piece, I was not present at all: it was like my mind was on autopilot and I was releasing emotions through my paintbrush and my hands. If you zoom in, you will see symbols like a jail cell, writings on walls, a potion, bricks, spirit-like drawings, evil faces and monsters, loops, eyes, and other hidden messages. This painting is bittersweet to me; when I look at it, I reflect on how I felt during the time it was made and feel sad that I struggled so much. At the same time, I also think about the potential this painting has to touch other people’s lives.

This blog is vulnerable for me, but I wanted to share the darkest and most powerful part of my mind in hopes that someone else might feel less alone knowing that they are not the only one with these kinds of thoughts or who suffers from their mental health.

If you are struggling with your mental health and are seeking help, here are some resources.

How it started out:

Art For Mental Health